It's Time to Change the Definition of Responsible Fatherhood

By Alicia M. Crowe
(c) Copyright Alicia M. Crowe
All rights reserved.

Greetings and welcome to this Spring Edition of the Crowe Report. It's Time to Change the Definition of Responsible Fatherhood Tonight 24 million children in America will go to beds in households where their biological fathers do not live. About 40% of children in absent father households have not seen their father at all during the past year. About half of those children have never even set foot in their father's home. This societal trend has left many non-custodial fathers struggling daily to dispel the myth of the "dead beat dad" and strive to be more than just a concept in their children's lives. As a result of these single parent households, many women are left with the awesome responsibilities and challenges associated with trying to be both a mother and a father to their developing child. Further, these women are often angry and exhausted which potentially compromises their parenting, and exacerbates their struggle through the legal system to get the fathers of their children to man up. At the center of this family dynamic are the children who are left to cope with the emptiness of not having a loving and secure relationship with the absent parent.

President Barack Obama in his famous Father's Day speech admonished fathers to take responsibility for their children. He said, "We need fathers to realize that responsibility does not end at conception. Too many fathers are M.I.A., too many fathers are AWOL, missing from too many lives and too many homes. And the foundations of our families are weaker because of it. (For actual speech visit: www.Realdadsstandup.com)

So, where are these fathers? Somewhere beneath the urgent cries and pleas for men to man up, lies a movement, the silent inevitable evolution of the father. While many grassroots organizations, non-profits, faith-based institutions and governmental agencies are quietly working on the front lines of the fatherhood advocacy field, hordes of fathers are lining up at family courts across America waiting to be heard.

More and more fathers are going to court to exercise their legal rights. However, the pursuit of justice is only the means. The real challenge is how to actively co-parent the children despite the failed relationship with the other parent, particularly when the other parent is hostile. This is the critical test in the African-American community where nearly 7 out of 10 children are born out of wedlock, and the term "baby mama drama" is commonly used to define these situations. Parental alienation is real. Some children are actually being programmed and poisoned by one parent against the other parent.

Many fathers want change. Some argue for new policies and laws. Many of these fathers have tried to navigate the legal system alone; and have the scars to prove it. They have spent thousands of dollars and hours, even years going back and forth to court only to end up right where they started. Some women really know how to give these men a run for their money. She gets custody and child support. He gets visitation. She denies visitation. He still pays child support or else he goes to jail. Nothing happens to her for violating his visitation rights. So, he sues for custody. She uses the children as pawns. The case goes on for years. The legal system is simply not designed to deal with all that drama, especially from parents who were never married. It can be very frustrating for all those involved and there is very little a court can do for these types of cases. Courts simply can't order people to develop and mature.

There are those fathers who are just out right angry. They want the system to change to make "her behave." My experience has been that some men have real difficulty communicating with the other parent. They seem to be able to communicate to everyone but the other parent, launching sophisticated letter writing campaigns and organizing community discussions around responsible fatherhood to forming fatherhood groups. These fathers are so easy to talk to about the issue of fatherhood in society, but have real difficulty communicating positively to the mother of their child, or, own their role in the destruction of the relationship. Most have never learned to resolve conflict in a healthy way. They only know how to react and declare war. As the parents go back and forth to court litigating against each other, this inability to deal with conflict and communicate manifests negatively on the parents, then takes on a life of its own. Losing parental control can be especially challenging for men who are used to making all the decisions and controlling the money and all of the assets in the relationship. If a father is used to having all the power in the relationship, he is in for a rude awakening when he gets served with papers and reaches those courthouse steps. He soon discovers that has he no power there. That makes him angry. For women in this situation, court may be the only way she can get equity and be shielded from the mental and emotional abuse that this type of controlling relationship perpetuates.

I recently interviewed Donna Linder, Executive Director of Parent Help on Real Dads Stand Up! Beyond the Legalese (see article below). She believes there is help and hope for parents who live apart. To listen to this interview, visit:
www.blogtalkradio.com/Real-Dads-Stand-Up
www.realdadsstandup.com

On June 20, 2009, a mass gathering around fatherhood will take place in Washington, D.C. Here, fathers will organize, mobilize and "Get on the Bus". For some it's a celebration of their fatherhood and rededication. For others it's a call to action. This year marks the 100th Anniversary of Father's Day. For more information about the National Father's Day Rally visit: www.npclstrongfamilies.com.

It's time to consider alternatives to the adversarial system when it comes to families. Could there be a new definition of responsible fatherhood on the horizon which includes-Fathers taking ownership and personal responsibility for your role in the failure or success of your relationship?

© Copyright Alicia M. Crowe 2009. All Rights Reserved.

Real Dads Stand Up!™ in Arizona at the 10th Annual National Fathers and Families Conference March 2-5, 2009

Did you get your T-shirt yet? Pictured above, Dads, Arthur and Jeff

Strengthening Fathers, Strengthening Families was the theme this year where hundreds of fathers, services providers and others gathered to share and learn ways to help fathers stay in their children's lives.

"We plan on hosting the best family development conference that emphasizes the role and influences of fathers in the nation, " says James Rodriquez, CEO/President of the Fathers and Families Coalition of America.

Well, he did just that. Over fifty educational workshops, national planning sessions and featured keynote speakers and special Red Tie Dress Evening Gala featuring and honoring Mr. Eddie Levert and Dr. Ronald Mincy.

Authors and presenters included: Robin Wright King, Author of "Papa Was A Rolling Stone", Director Detroit Fathers and Families Coalition, Hector Rodriquez, author of , "A Light on the Road", Lyah Beth LeFlore and Eddie Levert, Sr. authors of "I Got Your Back".

Alicia Crowe conducted her popular workshop, "Navigating the Legal System" where she... well, you just had to be there.

"I was very impressed with your presentation. As a former child support enforcement attorney, I wasn't sure what to expect. You told it exactly as it is and showed me a new perspective from the Dad's point of view I hadn't expected... Your perspective is exactly what is needed to bridge the gap between fatherhood and the child support community." Kelly

"It is seldom I sit in the small breakout session and the keynote session of the same person. Well, I must say that I was very pleased with your session and your keynote address...

...The old saying really does hold true. "If I knew then what I know now." I am pleased that you have taken the position to help the African American Male to not only see the system but see his role in how is involved in the system."

Real Dads Stand Up!™ Consulting and Coaching

Helps individuals, governmental agencies and non-profits create, develop and monitor programs that support responsible fatherhood.

We offer:
Training
Workshops
Speaking
Coaching

Benefits: Transform your non-profit or agency to engage fathers.

* Learn how to help fathers navigate the legal system and increase compliance with co-parenting plans, child support orders and visitation/custody orders.

* Incorporate legal skills advocacy into your fatherhood program.

* Learn how to use collaboration to effectively work with other individuals and organizations in the fatherhood field.

Testimonials:

"Alicia demystifies child support and custody and takes the fear out of family court." -- Malik Yoba

"This work is very psychologically informed." -- Samuel Fasulo, Ph .D. University Behavioral Associates/Montefiore Medical Center

"Many people wished they could have attended your workshop" -- Jasmin Johnson, National Partnership for Community Leadership, 10th Annual International Fatherhood Conference

Book Alicia for your next conference or speaking event. Contact: 845-348-1160 or email at: alicia@bluepeacockpress.com

NEW! Do you know a father who needs help Navigating the Legal System: Real Dads Stand Up! now offers private individual telephone coaching.

Men Are Nurturers, Too! M.A.N. 2 Pre-Conference
North Carolina Fatherhood Development Advisory Council

Ernest M. Johnson, II, and Sheila D. Bazemore

In conjunction with the Head Start Association Annual Conference

"With so many men facing court-related challenges in North Carolina and other states, Alicia Crowe's message is a voice that speaks to the heart of the matter. Her insights and interwoven snapshots and stories of actual cases hits home with many fathers and offers some much needed wisdom and light for a tunnel that can be very dark and seemingly insurmountable."

--Sheila Bazemore, Fatherhood Advocate/State Liason in North Carolina

Keeping the Vision was the theme at this years Fatherhood Conference in Winston-Salem, NC. I was especially honored to be a participant in this one-day power packed, progressive and cutting edge event. Did I miss anything? Anyone that can pull off an event like this for one day has to be fabulous. Shiela Bazemore's unique approach to father engagement transcended the usual plenary discussions and break out sessions where participants spend days going in and out of sessions only to leave wondering, How do we engage fathers?

This year, the conference focused on best practices for increasing male teachers in early childhood development. Alicia Crowe delivered the Keynote address to hundreds of fathers, Service providers, lawyers, judges, case workers, and others where she encouraged the audience to inspire fathers to believe in their fatherhood? Ms. Crowe stated emphatically, "If you are not passionate about doing this work, then get out of the field." Ernest Johnson, pictured above, is a Family Services Worker for Operation Breakthrough, Inc. Head Start in Durham, NC.

What's Next? We are in the process of organizing a virtual conference. Interested? Contact: alicia@bluepeacockpress.com.

What's New? The Fathers & Families Coalition elected Alicia M. Crowe to serve on the Board of Directors.

Kenneth Brasswell, Lyah Beth LeFlore, Eddie Levert, Sr.

She joins Judge Veronica Torrez, newly elected Chairperson, Hon. Felix Ortiz, Brooklyn, Jeffery Leving, Esq., and Kenneth Brasswell.

Eddie Levert, Sr. and Lyah Beth LeFlore pictured above are co-authors along with the late Gerald Levert of the best selling book, "I Got Your Back: A Father and Son Keep it Real About Love, Fatherhood, Family and Friendship". Mr. Levert, Sr. was the honoree and featured speaker at the Red tie Gala event at the 10th Annual National Fathers and Families Conference in Arizona. He spoke passionately about his life as a man as a performer and as a Dad. Alicia Crowe is also a contributor to the book. Lyah and Eddie have joined forces again and are working on a follow up book. This book is sure to be another winner! We will keep you posted.

Are you ready for Father's Day?

Did you know that this year marks the 100th Anniversary of Father's Day? This year marks 100 years since the idea of celebrating Father's Day was created. The idea for creating a day for children to honor their fathers began in Spokane, Washington by Sonora Smart Dodd who thought of the idea of Father's Day while listening to a Mother's Day sermon in 1909. Join me at the National Rally for Responsible Fatherhood on behalf of America's Children: A Call to Personal Responsibility.

Alicia Crowe has just been appointed to serve on the National Planning Committee for the National Rally. For more information, visit: www.npclstrongfamilies.com.

Sister To Sister Let's Talk™
Harnessing The Power of Positive Self Talk

By Jacqueline Cherry, LCSW & Noel Elia, LCSW
Foreword by Alicia M. Crowe

This book is a gift! Hold it in your hands and keep it in your heart. Jackie's gentle and compassionate spirit guides you every step of the way through a magnificent journey of self-reflection and self discovery. In this little book Jackie and Noelle take you on an excavation into your own thoughts and help you see how your self-talk affects the way you perceive reality. Your self talk has a lot to do with how you communicate and deal with other people and situations. As you read you will learn how to break old patterns and beliefs that hold you back and make new choices which will encourage you to grow and change your life. For more information, visit: www.visionaryexpressions.com.

Performance Notes

Jamming at the ActNOw Foundation Monorail Monologue Jam

February 27th-28th at the Oxford Space, in Brooklyn, NY

Alicia Performed a segment of her original work, "I Represent A Voice Seldom Heard" where she took the audience into the realm of "A Single Parents' Drama."

"The Monologue Jam was a truly inspiring and soulful event! All of the participants were oozing with talent and the evening had a truly inclusive vibe about it as the MC called on audience members to strut their stuff. I loved it. Alicia Crowe's a capella jazz piece smoked, as she set poignant lyrics to a beautiful and haunting melody. Kudos to all involved!" Noelle

In celebration of V-Day, Alicia performed a reading of the Vagina Monologues at the Elmwood Playhouse in Nyack, NY. The Vagina Monologues written by Eve Ensler is performed around the world.

One-Woman Show Coming Soon!

Ms. Crowe is currently working on her one-woman show. We will keep you posted.

Rhianna and Chris Brown. Another Ike and Tina Turner Revue?

By Alice T. Crowe

The Chris Brown and Rihanna saga smells strikingly familiar. Brown, a pop star, is accused of viciously and continuously beating his mate, but needs her to further his damaged music career. Where have we seen this scenario before? Ike and Tina Turner. Remember, Ike Turner, the entertainer and record producer who in 1951 produced the "first rock and roll song" ever, "Rocket 88." That fact doesn't resonate as much as the fact that Ike was best known as the abusive spouse of Tina Turner. What an explosive and successful career the couple had as an ensemble, the Ike and Tina Revue. In the movie, "What's Love Got To Do With It." Ike was that violent man who physically and emotionally abused and sodomized his wife, but needed her for one more gig.

Tina ended their violent marriage and put an end to the Ike and Tina Revue when she left Ike and filed for divorce. For years, Ike Turner tried desperately, up until his death, to draw Tina back into his life to help him prop up his second-rate music career. Those who stood to prosper spread rumors that the two should collaborate again. Even years after Tina broke free from Ike's physical and emotional abuse, Ike and his producers still needed her like monkey bars to boost him up to glory. Fortunately, Tina kept it moving, and by choice, did not capitulate to Ike's tactics or those of his benefactors. In fact, when she didn't attend Ike's funeral it angered music producer legend Phil Spector so that he publically blasted Tina about it. Incidentally, Spector is currently on retrial for the murder of his girlfriend. The lesson here is that Tina broke free from her abuser and her career soared. She took back her power to freely choose how to live her life. It was her choice not to allow Ike to climb on her back to restore his image at the expense of her free will and self esteem. Rihanna too, with time and space can grow in understanding her self-worth and power and fish her self-esteem out of the toilet bowl. Hopefully, she will learn that she does not have to yield to abuse or those who seek to profit from it. Perhaps, those entertainers who have experienced domestic abuse will rally around her and show her support and a path toward healing.

In the wake of Oprah's message to Rihanna, "he will hit you again," the efforts to pair the couple up have intensified. Yes, one is innocent until proven guilty. In this case, we've seen the photographs and they tell a story. Like art, a photograph does not have to argue, it doesn't have to defend itself or shout over anyone else's voice. The photographs of Rihanna's face from Browns continuous brutal beatings speak volumes. Tina got out alive. Next time, Rihanna might not be so lucky.

Chris Brown's benefactors realize with the fallout from radio stations leaving him out of the rotation, dwindling corporate endorsements, and parents pulling his pin-ups from their teenage daughters walls, he now needs Rihanna to help his music career survive. That explains the recent efforts to pair them up like the Ike and Tina Revue.

Like the knuckles of Brown's island tan fist, the efforts to push Rihanna back into her place and pretend that she and Brown have swiftly healed from his multiple incidents of abuse will simply not fly with fans, parents and those who stand against the physical and emotional abuse of women worldwide. Reconciliation will mostly benefit Brown, producers and moguls sitting on the sidelines scratching their palms at the profits a Rihanna-Brown ensemble may bring.

Chris Brown needs real healing, not a quick fix woofer dust solution to patch up his image. Domestic abuse is real and takes work to overcome. Ask Kevin Powell, author and noted advocate to end domestic violence against women. Real healing does not entail a crash course on anger management, press statements that he says, "He's sorry," and ready to get back into the control seat and start riding off to glory with Rihanna in tow. Brown needs to do the work on himself to get beyond his propensity to batter. Oprah's words ring true, "he will hit you again. Brown admitted that he had been traumatized as a young boy by domestic violence in his home. The cycle has already begun. He will hit again. Ike Turner never fully publically acknowledged that he was a batterer and that he had abused Tina. His name is a metaphor for abuse. Ike and his music career never evolved beyond his last slap. Perhaps Brown too can learn from the lessons of history and not end up like Ike.

Real Dads Stand Up! Radio Show "Beyond The Legalese"

Become a listener go to: www.blogtalkradio.com/Real-Dads-Stand-Up

Join our global discussion that crosses the legal boundaries and goes right to the heart of the matters.

Help and Hope for Moms and Dads Living Apart. It's Time To Put Down The Weapons and Talk.

Problems sharing children, custody, support? Need information about visitation/access, parenting, going to court? In this episode, we spoke to Donna Linder, Executive Director of Child Find of America who has created the Parent Help Hotline. It's Free!

To listen to this show: www.Realdadsstandup.com and click on Blog Talk Radio box.